6 Insane News Stories About Terrorism (That Were Total B.S.)
It’s time for part 47 billion of our 219-quintillion-part series on fiction passed off as news. This time, we’re focusing on that most lighthearted and adorably jaunty of subjects: ISIS & Friends, who are the evil flavor of the month. For the busy reader on the go, any headline about how they’re evil, cruel barbarians is bound to get a few clicks. But it turns out a lot of those scary terrorist stories are about as legit as the plot of a Goosebumps book.
#6. No, ISIS Didn’t Order Genital Mutilations For Four Million Iraqi Women
Female genital mutilation (FGM) is one of the most horrific and dehumanizing things anyone can subject a woman to, and it’s absolutely a thing people do, mainly in Africa and the Middle East. The World Health organization estimates that over 125 million women have endured this torture.
So when sites like NBC News, The Huffington Post, the NY Daily News, and Al Arabiya reported that ISIS issued a fatwa ordering four million Iraqi women and girls between 11 and 46 years of age to get themselves cut up down there, it sadly made sense. This sounds like something those women-hating bastards would do, right?
For reference, that is about 200,000 more than the entire population of Baghdad.
Just one problem: They’re not doing that. Despite being backed by the UN’s wonderfully-named Jacqueline Badcock, the entire story is based on one document, supposedly released by ISIS in July 2014, but probably a hoax designed to make ISIS look bad (because they need the help, apparently).
“But it’s in Arabic. Who else could possibly know that language other than them?”
The document was eventually traced back to July 2013 — we’re fairly certain that ISIS wouldn’t wait a whole year before deciding that Allah’s word was finally right to release. Then there’s the typos, the language botches, not to mention how whoever wrote this thing signed it as “The Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant,” a name ISIS abandoned long ago.
If that’s not enough, FGM is not a required thing in Islam — not even the butchered, corrupted, violent interpretation of the religion that ISIS prefers — and is rarely practiced in Iraq, where this is supposedly going down. All in all, the media claiming ISIS wrote this chicken scratch is a bigger fuck-up than when that one guy called Whitney Houston “Susan.”
#5. Any Claim That ISIS Is “In America” Is A Lie
Scott Harms/iStock/Getty Images
As mean and vicious as ISIS is, at least they’re pulling their bullshit far from the good ‘ol US of A. They can’t hurt us from thousands of miles aw-OH SHIT THEY’RE HERE! RUN!
“Williamsburg resident claims to have been into ISIS before it was cool.”
As the New York Post, College Fix, Inquisitr, NBC News (yes, them again), and The Atlantic have breathlessly pointed out, ISIS plots in the US happen all the time now. Between a woman in Philadelphia, four men in Texas, an Illinois Army National Guardsman and his cousin, some assholes from New York City, and the recent shooting in Garland, Texas over drawings of the Prophet Muhammad, the message is clear: The enemy has arrived, and your backyard is not safe.
Oh wait, we read our notes wrong. You’re as safe as ever, because these stories are bogus. Silly us.
Every single case of “ISIS invading America” has in fact been a rogue American who only showed interest in joining ISIS (presumably for the sweet dental plan), but had zero actual connection to them.
John Moore/Getty Images News/Getty Images
“My uncle knows a guy, who’s friends with a dude, that has a car that is the
same model as one they used in a bombing. We’re practically in.”
Those New Yorkers were harmless idiots whose future in Islamic terror hinged on Mommy giving them back their passport. The National Guardsman? He wasn’t plotting to “kill scores at [his] military base”, he was trying to board a plane to Cairo and apply for ISIS there. His cousin simply drove him to the airport. And the four morons in Texas? That was 100-percent made up by Judicial Watch, a neoconservative site filled with racist tall tales that should be disregarded on sight every time.
But what of the Garland shooting, you ask? That was real, right? Yup, but despite ISIS’s own claims of responsibility, the FBI can find no evidence whatsoever that the two shooters had any connection to the group. All signs point to them acting on their own accord, with ISIS merely piggybacking on their sudden infamy. Remember, clickbaiters aren’t the only ones who stand to gain from Americans pissing themselves over thoughts of a future filled with car bombs.
#4. Nope, The Star Wars Set Isn’t Overrun With Terrorists
OK, now you’ve gone too far, ISIS. It’s one thing to blow up religious monuments and kill innocents, but now you’ve invaded Luke Skywalker’s beloved childhood home? What kind of monsters are you?
Yes, the terror group has claimed the Tunisian town of Tataouine — creatively re-dubbed “Tatooine” by George Lucas and used as inspiration while filming Star Wars nearby– and is using it as a base of operations while preparing to invade nearby Libya. News crews from The AV Club, CNN, IBTimes, and The Huffington Post not only have a bad feeling about this; they want to make damn sure you do too.
“According to one source, ‘You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.'”
And these dirty jihadists aren’t just sitting around Uncle Owen’s house and quoting their favorite Jar-Jar lines. No, they’re stockpiling weapons and ammunition. It’s an act brazen and cold enough to shame even the Emperor himself.
Or rather, it would be if it were in any way true. All this talk about a “way station for terrorists” is based on exactly one incident. Three prospective terrorists (they weren’t even hired yet) were arrested trying to enter Libya through Tataouine. That’s it. From that one event that barely even qualifies as a molehill, CNN and others built an entire mountain of pop-culture-based fear mongering.
“Molehills? Or underground terrorist network tunnels? Read our seven-part investigation to decide.”
It got to the point where Colonel Mokhtar Hammami of the Tunisian National Guard stepped in to confirm that the stories were bullshit. According to him, over 1500 troops scour the region constantly, and there have been no reports of terror bases nearby. Meaning CNN is more full of shit than anyone who argues Attack Of The Clones was awesome, and that you and your buddies going on pilgrimages to Force Choke one another in front of a Jawa cave will likely yield nothing but pictures that your Facebook friends will ignore.