I have a new drug that fixes ANY, I repeat ANY problem you have…
I have a new drug that fixes ANY, I repeat ANY problem you have, taken once daily, all your worries will go away. It’s that simple!
I would give you a nice 45 second commercial, showing ordinary people doing ordinary things. However, you already know your life sucks, and you need this product, so “call your doctor today” to see if my latest, completely irresponsible pharmaceutical cure is right for you!
Inability to breathe
Temporary tooth loss
Severe anal bleeding
Complete collapse of civilization
excessive nasal mucous
sudden and unexplained onset of cursing in baby voice
appearance of extra digits (hands/feet)
uncontrollable obsession with Liberace
swallowing of tongue
Suicidal thoughts and tendencies
Skeletal Muscle Relaxation
Liberal Gynoperception (or Androperception in women)
Speaking in a foreign language
Appearance of new religions
Abduction by aliens
Soreness in hair
Loss of ability to use the internet
vague sensation of being alive
all-consuming evil thoughts and deeds
90 degree angular defect in penis
vociferous syndrome, type 2 (non-gregarious)
feeling better than you ever thought you could (the drug boys really hate that one)
inability to identify Coke vs. Pepsi
Please call for your free sample today!
Feel free to add some more lovely “side effects” to the comments.